Loneliness With and Without Other People
We can start with a brief thought experiment. When I mention the word loneliness, what does spontaneously come to mind? Loneliness is often imagined as the absence of a social cycle: an empty apartment, unanswered messages, weekends without plans. But an experience almost anyone I know can relate is that some of the most painful loneliness happens in rooms that aren’t empty at all. It shows up in conversations that never quite reach the truth, in relationships where dialogue is replaced by parallel monologues, and in the quiet realization that even though someone is beside you, you feel profoundly unseen.
Expressing that human beings are wired for connection is an understatement. Aristotelis, the ancient Greek philosopher famously said that whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god. That statement holds true after two thousand years. After all, relationships help regulate our emotions, shape our identities, and give meaning to our experiences. When connection is missing, or distorted, life becomes heavier. Decisions feel harder. Emotions last longer. Hope becomes something we analyze rather than feel. Whether we are alone without a partner or lonely inside a relationship, the harm is subtle but cumulative. It affects our sense of worth, our expectations of love, and our belief that closeness can be safe.
What makes loneliness especially difficult is that it doesn’t always look the same. Sometimes it arrives as longing: wanting intimacy but not having it. Other times it wears the disguise of companionship: having someone yet feeling emotionally abandoned. In both cases, the ache is similar. It is the same question asked in two different ways: What is wrong with me that connection feels so hard?
The truth is that loneliness is rarely a personal failure. More often, it is the result of patterns learned ways of protecting ourselves that once made sense but now keep us stuck.
Being Alone as a Result of Maladaptive Attachment Patterns
Many people who deeply want a relationship also find themselves repeatedly alone. This paradox can be confusing and painful. The desire for closeness exists, yet something consistently interferes. Often, this “something” is an insecure attachment pattern formed early in life. In my practice as a therapist, I have seen excessively the following two types and even their combination; it can be found in any gender, race, or age. It is so common that if you pay attention to your surroundings, it becomes quite easy to recall examples. The first style is avoidant, and the second is anxious attachment styles.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment tends to prioritize independence over intimacy. People with avoidant tendencies may crave connection but feel overwhelmed once it becomes real. They might downplay their needs, keep emotional distance, or leave relationships when vulnerability increases. On the surface, this looks like self-sufficiency. Underneath, it is often fear of being controlled, disappointed, or emotionally consumed.
I had a client that was struggling to form a meaningful relationship on the premise that no one could potentially fulfil all his needs, and as a result break-ups were frequent. It wasn’t long before the realization that perfectionistic lenses only see imperfect individuals was the core issue in their loneliness.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment, on the other hand, is marked by a heightened sensitivity to closeness and distance. Those with anxious patterns may seek reassurance constantly, fear abandonment, or lose themselves in relationships. Love feels urgent. Silence feels catastrophic. Being alone can feel intolerable, yet relationships often feel unstable or unsatisfying.
Similarly, another client experienced a series of break-ups. The pattern was a very new exciting relationship that often was viewed as a personal test, giving rise to self-doubts and feelings of inadequacy. More often that leads to over-availability, loss of character, and a fear of abandonment that eventually alienates the other person.
It might be hard to view it this way, but neither pattern is a flaw. They are adaptive responses to earlier experiences where safety, consistency, or emotional availability were uncertain, especially in dysfunctional families in which parents were neglectful, abusive, or authoritarian. Then it would be the most natural reaction to strive for extreme reactions such as high independence or co-dependence. The problem arises when these strategies continue in adulthood long after the original problematic environment is gone.
The first step toward change is recognition. Notice the patterns without judgment. Do you withdraw when someone gets close? Do you panic when they pull away? Awareness alone begins to loosen the grip of these habits. Moving toward a more secure attachment does not require a dramatic transformation. It begins with small, intentional shifts.
For avoidant tendencies, this might mean naming one feeling instead of shutting down or staying present during discomfort rather than escaping it. For example, the previous client used the opposite action technique. When the feeling of running away presents itself, the reaction would be the opposite: to stay and give the opportunity to a new relationship.
Additionally, for anxious tendencies, it could mean tolerating uncertainty a little longer or offering yourself reassurance before seeking it from someone else. In that case, the client tried to experience the uncomfortable fear of being abandoned without acting and making the situation worse.
Security is not about never feeling fear. It is about learning that fear does not have to control your behavior. Each small act of emotional honesty, especially with yourself, builds a more stable inner base from which connection can grow.
Another exercise is spotting positive relationships with a secure base. It is rare that a person has only anxious or avoidant relationships with colleagues, family, or friends. It is important to discover and dwell on them, transferring this approach to romantic relationships.
Being in a Bad Relationship: When Loneliness Has a Witness
Not all loneliness happens in solitude. Some of it unfolds inside relationships that slowly erode emotional safety. Being in a bad relationship can be uniquely painful because it invalidates the very purpose of connection. You are with someone yet feel fundamentally alone.
Once I had an intake session with a couple and I went to prepare by exploring the literature on couple therapy. By far the most valuable discovery was relationship researcher John Gottman. He could fairly accurately identify the couple who would divorce in the future. After analyzing thousands of recorded sessions, he realized that there are four interaction patterns that reliably predict relationship breakdown. He called them the “Four Horsemen”: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Each one deepens emotional distance and reinforces loneliness, even when two people remain together.
Criticism
Criticism attacks a person’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior. Over time, it creates shame and resentment. The antidote is openness, learning to express needs using “I” statements, focusing on feelings rather than flaws.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a reflexive attempt to protect oneself from blame. It often sounds like justification or counterattacks. While understandable, it prevents accountability and repair. Practicing openness here means listening without preparing a response and allowing responsibility to coexist with self-worth.
Contempt
Contempt is the most corrosive of all. It includes sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, and moral superiority. Contempt communicates disgust, and it slowly poisons affection. The opposite of contempt is compassion, actively remembering your partner’s humanity, vulnerabilities, and struggles, even during conflict.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally withdraws, shutting down communication entirely. Silence becomes a wall. The path forward is open communication: learning to pause without disappearing, returning to the conversation once regulation is restored.
When these patterns dominate, break-up is often inevitable. You stop bringing your full self into the relationship because it does not feel safe. Over time, the relationship may remain intact in form, but hollow.
Recognizing these dynamics and practicing the opposites is a form of relationship self-care. I have witnessed individuals getting bitter and resenting their partner in a gradual way. It does not happen in a day; however, realization can feel like it.
Forming a Relationship With Yourself
When I was in rehab in Thailand, it was wonderful to see people try to find healing while trying to maintain and improve their relationships with their loved ones even when they were miles away. However, it was even greater to see them forming a new relationship with themselves.
It does not come as a surprise that the literature suggests that happy individuals form healthier relationships. As a takeaway message, here are five questions to reflect on the relationship with yourself:
- Which principles or beliefs guide my decisions, even when it’s difficult, and which ones am I willing to defend at all costs?
- What genuinely brings me joy, peace, or satisfaction, independent of anyone else’s approval or presence?
- What activities, relationships, or pursuits make me feel that my life has purpose and significance?
- In what situations have I demonstrated resilience, courage, or integrity, and what do those moments reveal about my inner strengths?
- How do I deserve to be treated by others, and where in my life am I settling for less than that standard?
