If I say the word Christmas. What comes to mind could be a tree with colourful balls and lights, church songs, family dinners with warm food. This period is a moment for celebration, rest and connection. At least, that’s the typical perceived holiday. It can be a source of rest, as well as a personal trigger. It has been depicted in the film industry with movies like the Grinch and in literature with the story of the little match girl. In both cases, the protagonist faces a series of unpleasant events, while everyone else is enjoying their time This is also has been explored though research, studies from kings’ college suggested that during the holidays, people experience higher loneliness and stress and many more.
What is the reason of this phenomenon?
In my clinical practice, I have seen people confuse the situation itself and the perceived situation. For example, a client used to be self-critical and feeling extreme uncomfortably during her breaks from university. In those breaks her free time was spent in social media, which portraits a unrealistic uplifted version of life and quickly she fell into the trap of comparison and undervaluing herself and as once her excessive screening was reduced, she simply felt better about herself. The paradox was during this process, her environment was stable with the same people, responsibilities, joys and worries, what change was how she viewed it.
A similar paradox happens during the celebration as well. The situation remains intact, what changes in the perception of it. Selectively sharing only the pleasant moment in Christmas creates the idea that everyone has a perfect holiday, except for very few. What intensify the Christmas blues even more is how thinking, attention and memory are changing in a melancholic state. People who are psychologically distressed, they tend to observe more negatively, have an unfavourable view of yourself, your friends and family and also being more receptive to remember more bleak memories. In other words, its like wearing blue coloured glasses and see the world more pessimistic.
Another reason is toxic positivity. During the holidays social pressure discourages people from being authentic and honest. For several groups of people, it can be a challenging period. It especially difficult for bereaved people, managing the loss of a loved one is a complicated and long process which cannot be paused simply to embrace the Christmas time. Also, people who rely heavily on their job, without a strong social cycle, elderly in home cares, international students, who lived abroad, and people who are fighting a physical illness as cancer. The common issue of all the previous groups is the difference between their flawed life and the perfect life. I have witness people, in my practice and out, to underplay, hide, deny and even distract themselves with substances to feel relief and escape social stigma.
Understanding that is normal and a lot of people experience the Christmas blues can be a shift from the mentality ‘what is wrong with me’ to a more balanced and compassionate approach. This is vividly illustrated in the popular Buddhist story:
The Buddha said that a person, when touched by painful feeling, sorrows, grieves, and laments. They feel two pains: the inevitable pain and the optional pain.
It is as if a person were struck by an arrow, and then, following the first arrow, they are struck by a second arrow.
The first arrow is the inescapable pain. It can be a divorce, losing a parent, getting fired.
The second arrow is the suffering caused by resistance, fear, and mental proliferation. This can take the form of overthinking, avoiding people and uncomfortable situations or blaming others.
People are usually trapped in suffering because they wish and aim to escape the first arrow without success. Budda suggests that its energy and attention should be directed to avoid the second arrow, namely our own reactions.
How to build resilience during the holidays?
- Its critical to build compassion over criticism. It’s a constant pattern I have seen in clients. They can be aware of their issue or struggle and often they react to it so intensely. There is a negative voice in their head undervaluing their attempts and efforts for a life with higher quality, replaying shameful memories and hyperfused on flaws. A helpful practice to overwrite these judgemental tendencies is to practice love and kind meditation oriented to oneself. It aims to strength, our warm feelings towards ourselves (see the end of this article to find a potential script you can use*).
- Adjust the way of thinking about the past. In a melancholic state, it is often that a person is repeatedly thinking about pasts event. It is a process also knowns as rumination. Its like a film playing endlessly without offering an insight or add any meaning to it. This process can be time consuming, once I saw a clint that rumination prevented him from working and be productive. In other words, it feels urgent but leads nowhere. In contrast, self-reflection is a careful examination of specific events, to grasp a greater understanding of them and how to prevent them from occurring in the future. It is a skill commonly practice in therapy and it can lead to breakthroughs.
A sample of reflective questions:
What is my struggle? Name it, and name how it affects your sleep,
eating habits, relationships, work, and once life.
What is the reason of its existence? Is it a pattern of mine, or an isolated incident?
From all the potential reasons, which of them are withing my area of control, which of them are outside?
Which struggles I should priories?
What is the smallest step I can do with my energy level to make a positive impact in my life?
This step-by-step active approach of distress can lead to a greater recovery than passive thinking like ‘why unfair incidents happen to me? Why other people seem so much happier?
- Another reaction is supressing vulnerability instead of sharing it can be detrimental to one’s health. I listened to a psychologist sharing the story of a couple. After one of his lectures, they talked to him privately and in different moments. Each of them discussed with him how they both hide the same anti-depressants and how they were afraid of each other judgment. In a humorous way, the psychologist suggested that a communication gap might have an impact on their mental health. Indeed, avoiding sharing inner thoughts and feelings can create misunderstandings and isolation.
This holidays it can be an opportunity to try a different response, to get a different result. Instead of avoiding intimate conversations, create a moment and have a real conversation. Maybe it will encourage the other person to open as well.
Broaden and build theory
All tree suggestion aims to replace unhelpful ways of interacting with an issue, known as the second arrow, with more helpful ones. They can help ease distress and boost a sense of serenity, self-compassion and curiosity. Increasing positive emotions and states has a crucial benefit.
According to the broaden and build theory, positive emotions help us broaden our perspective, search and build new resources. For example, a positive feeling from being self-compassed, can create a pleasant and friendlier mood, which can result in making new friends and build a social cycle. So, cultivate positive states can boost resilience.
A home take message:
In current times, social comparison and the illusion of perfection is constantly re-enforced not only during Christmas, but it also portrayed constantly by social media. Leaning more effective ways to cope does not only help during the few holidays, but daily challenge. With compassion, self-knowledge and social support is possible to overcome this challenge and live a more peaceful life.
*The script for Loving-Kindness Meditation for the Self
Take a comfortable position.
Let your body settle.
If it feels okay, gently close your eyes.
Bring your attention to your breath.
No need to change it.
Just notice the inhale. and the exhale.
Allow yourself to arrive in this moment.
Now, bring awareness to your body as a whole.
Notice any areas of tension, heaviness, or fatigue.
There is nothing to fix.
Just noticing, with kindness.
Place a hand on your chest or somewhere that feels supportive.
Feel the warmth and the simple fact that you are here.
Silently, or softly in your mind, begin to offer these phrases to yourself.
Let the words land at their own pace.
May I be safe.
May I be kind to myself.
May I accept myself just as I am in this moment.
May I be patient with my own process.
If emotions arise, comfort, resistance, numbness
acknowledge them gently.
Whatever is here is allowed.
Continue with:
May I be free from unnecessary suffering.
May I learn to meet my pain with compassion.
May I trust that I am doing the best I can.
Feel the intention behind the words, even if you don’t “feel” kindness yet.
The intention is enough.
Now, offer yourself a deeper wish:
May I be at peace with who I am becoming.
May I give myself the love I so often offer others.
May I remember that I am worthy of care and understanding.
Rest for a few breaths.
Let the phrases fade but keep the attitude of warmth.
Before opening your eyes, remind yourself:
Kindness toward the self is not selfish.
It is a foundation.
When you’re ready, gently return.
